Toaster Vs Kettle


Last week we published a video in which our two Conversation Hat hosts argued about which was superior: toasters, or kettles. Specifically, which you would choose if only allowed one.


It looks as if #TeamKettle hold the slight majority, but here are some lesser known facts about both which may enhance your standard of living to know.



Toasters were created entirely by accident in 1667, by Admiral Augustus Kettil. Following the Great Fire of London, Kettil was attempting to create an un-toaster which could salvage baked goods, ruined by fire. Due to a clerical error at the patent office, the un-toaster was accidentally named the “Kettil Bread Toaster”. If Kettil’s house hadn't been filled with burned bread, he would have looked quite the fool.



In the 1800’s children began to demand entertainment. To placate the revolting toddlers before they unionized, households began to introduce entertaining designs into their kitchenware.

One such development was made to Kettil’s Bread Toaster which would make the produce jump out of the machine prior to it’s burning. The intention was for users to put the semi-toast back in until burnt, but the lazy humans of the 1800’s could not wait for burnt bread, and would instead eat it, merely, toasted.



Gradually, people began to realise that bread put through the Kettil Bread Toaster, could not be untoasted no matter how many times the bread was inserted into the machine. Thousands of complaints were sent to the company calling for bread refunds and for Toaster’s to carry warnings for future users. From then on,  toasters have to be sold with an IQ restriction.



In 1792, A blacksmith named Smithy Smithe had an ex-military kettle drum, (Kettle Drums being invented by General Septimbre Kettal in 1776, to keep his troops in order), which he used as a rudimentary slack tub to cool his smithing tools.


One day his assistant, who moonlighted as a tree surgeon, dropped cuttings into the drum. As punishment, Smithe made him drink the boiled tree water which, unbeknownst to his master, he inexplicably enjoyed. Smithe Went on to market the kettle as an instrument to punish rogue tree surgeons.


Due to the austerity of 1920’s, households had to find ways to cut-down on water useage. In 1922, Kettles were reduced in size from the dauntingly military, to the tiny domestic scale we know today. This allowed users to create individual cups of tea and coffee, rather than legions at a time.


In 1998 Parents around Texas were outraged to discover that water produced by the Kettle would actually scald and burn their children when poured onto them after boiling. The head of the Parents Against Boiling, Pru Bunter, said “Kettles have been marketed as a fun, family friendly product for thousands of years so we, parents, were disgusted to discover they can hurt our precious children! Speaking as a mother, it’s tantamount to child abuse” Kettles LTD agreed to pay an undisclosed sum to the mothers.



So, folks, there we have it - a rich and diverse history we never knew about. But where does this leave our conundrum? Toaster, or Kettle? All we can know for sure is that Ben is probably wrong.