Ben Eats a Moo-Husive Burger

The dictionary defines the word burger as "a flat round cake of minced beef that is fried or grilled and typically served in a bread roll". The dictionary does not  describe the word "Moo-Husive" but I know what it means... so... who’s smart now? You big wordy book of words I’ve never finished reading...Nailed it.

If you’re like me and smarter than books, you’ll have figured out that The Moo-Husive One is a pun, mocking fat cows  it’s a play on words about the burger being really big. Like, proper big. Double nailed it.

We went back to the Devonshire Arms to get our burger on. These monsterous burgers buns were filled with onion rings, bacon, cheese, sausage, lettuce, tomato, more onions and a hefty burger to, obviously. Served with chunky chips, a stuffed jalapeno, a big ol’ scoop of homemade coleslaw next to a healthy salad, (because health). Unsurprisingly, this beast takes its place at the very peak of the burger menu.

This isn't my first Moo-husive burger, as I often visit the Dev for a pint or 6 of soda water and lime. My first attempt, while not exactly a challenge, I attempted to eat as fast as I could and achieved, what I thought, was a respectful time of just over 14 minutes. "Hurrah" I thought to myself, "another challenge in the bag! My, I’m not bad at this!" Turns out I’m an idiot. Before we even had chance to edit the footage of my supposed "triumph", someone came along and devoured The Moo-husive One in 9 minutes 26 seconds. Bugger.

So I had to go back and attempt to beat the time and the Moo-husive Burger Challenge started being a bit more official and a lot more daunting than when it began. Whether I managed to beat the 9 minute mark and secure my place at the top of the board, you’ll have to watch the video to find out, hope you enjoy it! If you want to try it yourself, you can buy one Monday - Saturday at the Devonshire Arms in Cambridge.

For more Ben Eats check out the Food section on StabbedPanda.com and subscribe to StabbedPandaTV on YouTube.

Ben Eats Some Chilli

Now, I’m no stranger when it comes to spicy food. Though I used to order a lowly Tikka Masala at the tender age of 12, now I’m depressingly far into my 20s, if there’s a Vindaloo or even a Phaal on the menu, I'm having it. I’m not bragging when I say this, I just want to make sure that now that we have that out of the way I’m hoping that, when I say that something is hot, you can start to get to grips with how hot that thing is. The Chilli Challenge at The Salisbury Arms in Cambridge is one of those things.

This bowl of fiery burning evil was brought out to me by the chef in oven gloved hands, containing 3 of the worlds hottest chilli peppers. Bristling with Carolina Reapers, Ghost Pepper, Trinidad Scorpions and topped with sliced red chilli peppers to boot, despite its relatively harmless “I’m just a regular bowl of chili con carne, I’m not gonna hurt ya, grab a spoon and have a mouthful!” this meal was certainly hiding something catastrophic under the surface and as the stopwatch was hit, I had my first mouthful.

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Initially, the flavour was rich, meaty and the heat was subtle. I was enjoying this! I could hardly believe it, this is going to be a breeze! This wonderful confidence lasted around 0.45 seconds before the chilli had other ideas and decided that I was having too nice a time. The heat hit before I could swallow and it didn’t stop there. Every time I chewed wave after wave hit my tongue which was increasingly becoming more shrivelled and swollen at the same time. I’d explain how this happened but I honestly don’t know. It may have had something to do with the chilli extract they’d added for a laugh. Chile extract to the measure of 6.4 million Scoville units, and they used a lot of it.

Around 6 minutes in, I couldn’t taste anything. The temperature and the heat of the chilli had rendered my mouth useless for all but chewing. At 9 minutes I could barely do that and was thankful that there were just a few scribbles of meat mixed with the sauce that I could no longer feel as I swallowed.

You’ll have to watch the video to find out if I actually finish but what I will say is this. Don’t do this. Seriously, I couldn’t even make it home after doing this. Luckily for me, I had a friend who lived nearby, so I opted to take advantage of her sofa. However, I could barely walk so took a pair of your basic painkillers which promptly did nothing. I ended up taking the kind of painkillers that are supposed to help women deal with the stomach cramps after having a cesarean and, guess what, they did nothing.  Sweet F.A. Ice cream, milk, lollies, nothing. My pee was spicy. Not my poop, on no, my pee. Nothing should give you a spicy wee-wee.

I spent the night with stomach cramps that lasted around 10 hours after this chilli. I repeat...

DON’T DO THIS

For more Ben Eats check out the Food section on StabbedPanda.com and subscribe to StabbedPandaTV on YouTube. You can also have a look at The Salisbudy Arms' website should you so desire.

Ben Eats Some Bugs

It's a bug's life. Until it's not.

A lot of people eat insects. Several cultures around the world, C list celebrities on reality TV shows, bikers with their mouths open, lots of people. Thanks to Smokeworks on Station Road in Cambridge, I am now one of those people. Not a multicultural celebrity biker. Not yet anyway. We’ve all heard that eating insects is where the human culinary menu is heading. They’re high in protein, take up a crazy amount less space than cows and chickens, pound for pound it’s much cheaper and much more better for the planet as we don’t have to cut down hundreds of trees to make space for mooing future burgers. When you think about it, insects lay hundreds to millions of eggs at once because very, very few of them will grow up to have insect infants themselves, with all the birds, frogs and shoes put to kill them. If those same eggs were laid in a farming environment, it’s flipped over and most of those offspring will survive to reach the point where they can have little baby bug for their own or they end up in a sandwich.

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Having said all this and truly believing that the human race will soon be feasting on the McWoodlouse or Kentucky Fried Cricket, we’re not there just yet and many are unprepared for what may lie ahead, myself included.

For a limited time, one of our favourite local eateries is offering a alternate menu of bugs, creepies and the occasional crawly. Off to Smokeworks we go then, I guess!

I start with Meaty BBQ Beans ft. Queen Leaf Cutter ants. Not too bad, nice tasty beans interspersed with pulled pork and the odd “bean” that’s a little too crunchy, revealing itself to be an ant or two. An odd sensation but nothing to spoil a meal. These I could see catching on.

Next up, in Old Bay seasoning was the Armour Tailed Scorpion. Yes, I said scorpion. The Old Bay seasoning was delicious. However, if you’re anything like me you’d assume that a scorpion, (technically an arachnid, I know but we’ll forgive Smokeworks for bundling it in under the insect umbrella), would be crunchy and, like me, you’d be entirely wrong. Psyched-up for a crispy crunch I was instead greeted by a smoosh. Very little resistance and a bit more fluid that one would have liked for something from the desert. This may be a little harder for the general populous to swallow, (tee-hee.)

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My final bit of “food” rested on a small salad. As some of you may know, I don’t shy away from spicy foods so the fact that this was covered in Vlad’s Blood Hot Sauce was not the issue. The issue was that this was a Giant Water Beetle, about the size of my thumb, with a face that had been staring at me for the last quarter of an hour. A face on a head that, once bitten into, instantly fell off and started to roll around, exploring my mouth as I struggled to get my teeth though the remarkably tough wing casings. You know how you used to get those toys at Christmas that were wrapped in plastic that was almost impossible to open so you’d try and open them with your teeth? You’d occasionally end up with little bits of plastic in your mouth? Just me? Well if you never did that, imagine that you did. Now imagine those little bits of plastic are half an inch long, covered in hot sauce, in your mouth and used to be alive. That’s the experience of the water beetle. No taste to speak of, just lots of chewing to very little avail and a small amount of gagging. I can’t imagine these being more popular than chicken nuggets.

I washed all of this down with a Squashed Frog Shot. A mix of Midori, Grenadine and Baileys. A bit lumpy and not bad tasting, although I can’t think of much that would taste bad following that meal. I’m still sold on insects becoming a bigger part of the everyday diet but I’m even more certain that the chiefs of the future are going to come up with some innovative ways of making some of these more palatable.

For more Ben Eats subscribe to StabbedPandaTV on YouTube. You can also have a look at Smokeworks' website should you so desire.

Ben Eats Some Cluckin' Hot Wings

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Ben journeys to the Devonshire Arms, Cambridge, to indulge in some Cluckin' Hot Chicken Wings - the sauce of which features Moruga Scorpion and Carolina Reaper peppers. Will he be bested, or will he just hurt for a few days? Watch to find out! Special thanks to the staff and management of the Devonshire Arms and the Little Red Kitchen Company - y'all are crazy, but thanks for having us.

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Si vs The Four Horsemen Pizza

(FYI: This show is the precursor to Ben Eats, hence it's inclusion in this category)

Si and Liam journey to the Devonshire Arms, Cambridge, in search of the legendary 4 Horseman Pizza. This pizza contains four of the hottest peppers known to mankind: The Chocolate Bhut Jolokia, The Moruga Scorpion, The Bhut Jolokia and The Orange Habernero. Many have faltered at it's fiery crust, but will Si prevail?

Trigger warning: lots of butt talk.